Hindsight tells me that Kurt Cobain’s suicide was the catalyst for my life changing in many ways. It’s what prompted me to change my study program to music history. Miles and I had bonded over Nirvana in high school, much to Nora’s annoyance. We gleefully watched their performance on Saturday Night Live in my living room.
Miles showed up on my doorstep the night of April 5th, 1994, with tears in his eyes. We sprawled out on the floor in my bedroom, with only my Christmas tree lights on, going through the VHS tape I’d dedicated to the band. We were looking at the TV in silence more than watching it.
”Is it bad that I hate that our generation has one in the 27 Club already?” Miles asked, as they wound up their debut on our favorite show by imitating The Who’s early show-ending antics.
”Yes. I hate it too.” I agreed, “But if they do the same drugs, it’s gonna keep happening.”
”What time is it? I asked, not wanting to turn over to see my clock.
”Just about 11. Hungry?”
I sighed and turned over, adopting child’s pose for a moment before sitting up. “A little.”
”How about some apples for the peanut butter?” He suggested.
Times like this it’s wonderful to have a friend I’ve known as a kid. We’re able to describe emotions in this weird sort of shorthand based upon some common bit of knowledge or shared experience. I know one day in the future one of us will turn to the other and say, “it’s like when we mourned Kurt.”
I nodded. “Thanks for coming over.”
”I didn’t want you to drive late. Plus you’re the one who has a TV and VCR in your room.” He stood up and opened the door, waiting for me to pass him before he closed it behind him.
“I miss traveling in the summer.” I admitted in the kitchen, as I was setting up a cutting board and the apple slicer on the counter. Miles washed two apples and put them on the counter.
”So do I. Where would you want to go?”
I set up the first apple to be chopped. ”Wander around the state a bit, mostly sticking to the coast.” I tossed the apple core into the compost bin. “My Godparents said they’re not going to use their camper this summer and offered it to me for as long as I want. I have to pay for gas, of course.”
”Ooh, can I tag along? That sounds fun!”
“You don’t have any summer plans?” I asked as I set up the second apple for cutting.
Miles shook his head. “Shirley’s planning on spending the summer with Rael, and I have enough saved so I don’t have to work until school starts up again.”
“Awesome. How long do you think we should travel?” I put the apples in a bowl and handed it to him.
Miles looked at me thoughtfully. “Two to three weeks. Let’s get out your California atlas and “
***
Shirley called me a few days later when Miles told her about our plan. ”It’s about time you two spend some time alone!”
I laughed. “We’ve spent plenty of time alone.”
“Yes, but there’s usually been a purpose, right?”
I paused. “Well, yeah. So what?”
Shirley sighed. ”Hen, I’m saying that I can see there’s some sort of bond between you two that needs to be explored.”
I twirled the phone cord around my finger, the way I did when I remembered just how observant Shirley is. She’s one wise gal. ”Okay, you have a point.”
“That’s exactly what Miles said to me.” Shirley laughed.
I went over to see Miles the following morning. ”Do you think Shirley has a point about us?”
”I don’t know. Maybe? You were always just Nora’s cousin. But since she left, I’ve enjoyed spending time together and focusing on us instead of keeping her out of trouble.”
”Me too. I’ve watched you grow since graduation. It’s been great to see.” We were both learning to live (and thrive, even) without the chaos of Nora.
Miles shrugged. ”I’ve just been focusing on school and going to therapy.”
“Having Shirley as a girlfriend hasn’t hurt either.” I smiled.
Miles laughed. ”Well, she has raised my standards exponentially.”
I laughed. ”Finally!” I paused and looked at Miles. “You’re even more of a gentleman when you’re being treated properly.”
Miles blushed, the way he always did when I paid him a complement. I looked at him. ”And, well, I do find myself wondering what dating a man like you would be like.”
“A man like me? Or just me?”
It was my turn to blush. “Both?” I giggled. “I’m starting to see you in a different light. At the same time I’m also getting curious about dating men. Strange men seem intimidating.”
”So would you . . . want to start dating each other?” He laughed nervously.
“Kinda? Maybe see what happens when we spend time alone, like Shirley said?”
”This is simultaneously weird and alluring.” He reached for my hand. I held his. Holding his hand always felt warm and reassuring.
”I agree. Stay over my house when Shirley’s visiting Rael next. Let’s start being a little more affectionate and see how we feel.”
Over the next few months, there were plenty of sleepovers, oodles of cuddling, and a bunch of kisses, but nothing else. Well, we were enjoying ourselves, but it was still a little awkward, as this was new territory for us.
———
Over Spring Break, Miles and I finalized our trip. We decided to spend most of the time driving up the coast, stopping at campgrounds for a couple of days at a time and seeing the same ocean from different locations.
My Godparents delivered the camper the weekend after finals. The first leg of the trip was about three hours, and we split the drive. We listened to our old mix tapes. It was a lot of fun singing and reminiscing. Once we arrived, we quickly set up our campsite and decided to heat up the soup my Grandma made for us to eat for lunch. Then, we went for a bike ride around the campground to look for abandoned firewood, something my Godparents always did when we went camping. We found enough for tomorrow morning’s fire.
After dinner, we played Scrabble. I won, something that rarely happens due to Miles’ incredible vocabulary. After that, we found a local rock station for background music while we had a little quiet time. Miles read while I worked on the blanket I was crocheting for Shirley.
Around 10:30, Miles closed his book, stretched, and yawned loudly.
”Time to turn in?” I asked, moving a stitch marker up a row.
“I think so.” He paused. ”Is it going to be weird if I just wear boxers to bed?” Miles asked.
“No, I was going to wear a long tank top and boxers as well” I replied. Without thinking, I took my shirt off and threw it on the table. Miles raised his eyebrow as his eyes met the unprecedented sight of me in a beige bra.
“Oh, we’re stripping, are we?” Miles smiled at me, taking off his shirt and putting it on top of mine.
I blushed. “I just did that without thinking. I guess my mind went into bedtime auto pilot.” I reached for a tank top, put it on, and took my bra off underneath the tanktop, slumber-party style.
“No worries. You know I won’t touch you without asking first.” He stepped out of his cargo shorts and draped them across the back of the chair.
“Well in that case.” I said, giggling, reaching for the button of my shorts.
Miles starts laughing. I give him our look that says ”please explain”.
He stopped laughing and smiled. ”I don’t know why, but I got a mental picture of Nora freaking out at the thought of us undressing in front of each other.”
“Yeah, she was always so weird about us being alone without her. Even when you two weren’t together.”
Miles sighed. ”If I had a dollar for the number of times she told me that you were eternally off limits, we’d have half our gas paid for the trip.
”I think she told me that too. Funny how she thought she could control us forever.”
“Sometimes I think she started being controlling out of insecurity. It started when her Mom almost took her back when we turned 14.”
“Oh, totally.” I tried to sound casual as I wiggled out of my underwear and replaced them with the boxer shorts. The memories of Nora’s shrill declarations still stung a little bit.
“Yeah.” Miles sighed. ”I try my best not to be bitter because it’s been over a year since she left. At least it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I always knew she’d run off one day. I just didn’t think it would be the day after graduation.”
“Yeah. I think my parents are still mad at her about it. They were about to help her rent a room at a friend’s house when she bailed.”
“That girl.” Miles sighed again. ”Ok, enough about her. Did you just change out of your underwear in front of me?”
I blushed again. I trusted Miles with my life. I knew I could be vulnerable around him. This was a little different though. We hadn’t explicitly discussed becoming physically intimate while planning the trip. I brought a couple of condoms just in case. I didn’t tell him, because I didn’t want him to get the impression I had any sort of agenda.
“You’re cute when you blush. I’ve always thought that.”
“Thanks.” I stepped closer to Miles and kissed him.
Miles stepped back and took my hands. “Hen, where is this going? I know we’ve started getting a tiny bit physical as of late, but we’ve never really talked about it.”
“I know. I just felt compelled to kiss you. Was that ok?”
Miles grinned and his eyes lit up. ”Yes. I want to make sure we talk about fooling around before we do more of it. Shirley told me before I left that the two of us should do whatever feels right this trip, as long as it’s legal and we’re safe.”
“So that’s what she meant by ‘enjoy Miles however you see fit’. I told her I would and she did her mischievous giggle thing.”
“She’s a great gal. I must say it’s been nice having a girlfriend who treats me right.”
“You’ve always deserved that.” I kissed him again. ”Ok, so where should we start?”
“Why don’t we get into bed and cuddle? It might be easier if we’re not looking at each other.”
So, we did. We discovered not too long ago that we both prefer to sleep on our left sides, so we arranged ourselves in the not-quite-Twin-but-not-quite-Full bed.
“Cuddling is always a good start.” Miles nuzzled my neck. I felt my body relax.
“You know if we have like, actual sex, you’re going to be my first, right?” I began.
“Yes. Is it weird that I’ve had a feeling that I would be since we were fifteen?”
“No. Well, yeah, because I wasn’t even sure I was into guys back then.”
”I kinda knew you were bi. Or if you were at least curious about dabbling in heterosexuality that I’d be a likely candidate.”
“I never really thought about what kind of man I’d like to be with. Too busy crushing on all those cute girls in plaid skirts. And the guys I went out with were more out of curiosity than anything else.”
“Fair enough.” Miles sighed. ”You’re okay with me being your first man, right?”
“Yes. I wouldn’t have kissed you otherwise. Or I’d have made it clear that we were going on this trip as only friends and we’d sleep in separate beds.”
“That’s why I love you, Hen. You don’t make me guess.” He kissed the back of my neck.
“Damn that’s nice.” I said.
“You’re so considerate.” Miles kissed the back of my neck. ”So we’re ok with it happening, but do we have any sort of agenda?”
“Only to enjoy ourselves and relax after our first year of college.”
“Well yes, that’s why we’re on this trip in the first place!”
“This is all new territory for me and I’m not in a hurry to get through all the bases, so to speak.”
“Hen, I love you. You’re my best friend in this world. I don’t want to screw this up.”
“I love you too, Miles. We won’t. That’s why we’re talking.”
….
The second day, we took a day trip to the nearby college town to look around. Naturally, we spent the most time in a used bookstore.
“Hen!” Miles trotted up to me after a half hour of us looking through different shelves. ”Look at this!” He handed me a book. It was the size of a half sheet of paper, with a black cover and the title ”Beyond Sex: Soul Love by David Foxtrot and Lilith Stardust”
“Interesting title. Interesting author names. Somehow I think they’re fake.” I laughed.
“Yes, and check out the Table of Contents!”
“Touchless Orgasms, Soul Lovemaking, Body Awareness, Erogenous Zones” I read quietly.
“I’m totally buying this.” Miles grinned and practically galloped to the register. I followed him, with a book called Freaks’ Amour by Tom De Haven. Rael had mentioned it to me a couple weeks ago, saying that he felt I was finally old enough to read it.
———————
Later that evening, Miles called Shirley to say hello while I took a shower. The pay phones were right by the bathrooms. He was standing by the phone writing in his notebook when I was finished.
”Hen! We have a possible detour, if you’re up for it.”
”Where to?” I asked.
Miles took my shower bag as we started walking back to our campsite. ”Chumash Valley. There’s this artist festival that she and Rael are going to set up a booth at and sell some of his metal sculptures.”
”That sounds like a lot of fun! When is it?”
”Set up is Thursday. We can hit our next destination and hop on a different highway than we planned.”
”Let’s do it!”
——-
Being in a beautiful, lush, tree-filled valley surrounded by artists of all stripes was one of the highlights of the vacation. I’ve met a lot of people in my life from different backgrounds, but not quite like this.
There was a group of vendors that were using this as a side trip from their normal routine of working Renaissance Faires. Our camping space was right next to them. They set up a large canvas tent where people normally park their cars.
Setting up Rael’s space was fun. He used a couple of old tent frames covered with a parachute. He used a few sets of TV trays and a large amount of milk cartons to make the display.
”Rael!” An excited voice filled the space.
“Puddles!” Rael ran to the entrance and embraced a short person, obscuring them from view.
“It’s so good to see you again!”
”I was hoping you’d be here! I brought baby grownups with me!”
”I can see that!” A short girl with glasses, a painter’s cap, and a huge smile walked around Rael towards us.
”I’m Puddles. I went to high school with Rael. We tend to run into each other every few years since then.”
Miles walked up to her, hand extended. ”I’m Miles.”
”Do you hug?” She asked. He laughed. ”Maybe after I’ve seen you a couple times.”
”Ok!” Puddles responded cheerfully.
Shirley stepped forward. ”I’m Shirley. I do hug.” Shirley chuckled and embraced Puddles.
”I’m Hen. I’m sort of Rael’s niece.”
”She’s the godchild of Anne and Harold.” Rael added.
A look of recognition crossed Puddles’ face. ”Oh! They let me crash in their guest cottage a couple of years ago after a breakup. I thought you looked familiar! They have a picture of you on the windowsill in the kitchen.”
”Oh! You helped build the chicken coop!” I recalled.
”Yes!”
Puddles invited us all to have dinner with her and her friends. It turns out another high school friend of Rael’s was there as well. He was tall and thin, his moderately long brown, slightly wavy hair was starting to turn grey.
“Strat!” Rael shouted. The two embraced. The man named Strat laughed.
“Nobody’s called me that in years. Call me Moo.”
Introductions went around. Turns out Moo had also been a temporary resident of my Godparents, and had helped Anne wire her computer room.
———-
We heard of an accident on the major highway ahead, so Miles opened up the map to plot a route around it. ”I think most people will want to head on the more direct path around, so we’ll take this way around a mountain. There’s a town on the top of the mountain that we can stop at if we want. Looks like there might even be a campground.”
As luck would have it, we were passing through that town during their yard sale weekend. There was a rummage sale in the parking lot of the elementary school as well as ones set up in the parking lots of a few churches.
Miles found a hand carved wooden hat box he knew his Mom would like, and bought it.
While cleaning it up, he noticed the lining of the lid looked a little lumpy.
”I think there’s something under here.”
He grabbed his small flat screwdriver and carefully pulled up the tacks around one edge of the lid. He gently reached into the hole and pulled something out.
”Pictures.” He turned them over. ”Black and white. Looks like a house.” He handed me the card. A small house with a tiny porch. I turned it over. ”Jane E’s house, 1927.”
”Oh, this is Jane E, I guess.” Miles said. ”It looks a lot like you.” Miles handed me the picture.A young woman dressed in a long dress and a hat smiled into the camera. She was holding a trumpet.
”If I was from a different continent, yeah.” I smiled, still focused on the picture.
”Speaking of different continents.” Miles handed me another picture. I stared at it.
It was Jane E with a man a few inches taller than her. They were standing in front of a brick wall, dressed up. They were smiling with a joy that seemed to be embedded in the photograph itself.
”This totally reminds me of that picture we took a few days ago at that museum in those old clothes.” I got up and retrieved the picture from one of the drawers near the sink. I put them down on the counter side by side. The picture we took had the background of a speakeasy, and it was in color. The clothes were so similar, though I couldn’t tell if they were the same color.
”Well, they did say they were offering vintage clothes at the photo booth.” Miles said. ”But that was like 150 miles away from where we are now.” He picked up the picture and turned it over. “To Janey, Love, Simon, 1924, Kansas City. Until we find each other again.”
“That was 70 years ago. I wonder if they ever did?”